When I was a kid, about 7, I had the most amazing French fries. They were the perfect amount of salty, perfect amount of cooked, they were flawless.
We could go down to the corner, and buy a brown paper bag size for a dollar. I would wait with excitement after I handed over my dollar. I knew that perfection was on its way. The way they handed them across the counter, in the slightly greasy bag, brought me such glee. Every time I had a dollar, well, I was there. Getting fries.
I didn’t know it then, but that was the first encounter of this list. I didn’t have a name for it yet, but, I knew on my most perfect day, those fries should be in it.
Then I saw Dead Man Walking. I was 16. I had snuck into the theater and watched it. I was fascinated by the final meal of a man on death row. I mean, the movie was good, but that part in particular fascinated me.
That’s when I had a name.
The Death Row Meal List.
You see, I love food. When I come across something I like, I mentally add it to the list. In some cases, if it’s so good, I’ll inform the waiter that it is now on this carefully curated list of things I love.
My wife saw it first hand with the most delicious burrito I’ve ever had, I told the waiter it was on the list, and then had to explain what the list was to my wife
I believe she was impressed, and slightly worried that she may have married a food psycho. It might sound like I’m glorifying being on death row, I am not. Just the thought of having a last meal on my own terms.
As my daughter recently said,
This list sounds like the perfect day…in prison.
I can’t even lie. This meal, if served to me, would straight up kill me. The state can save on the cost of an execution cause I would die. So without further ado, I present my most perfect Death Row Meal List. It would take some coordination from the warden, but he/she best fulfill my last meal.
Also, this is my list. Please feel free to comment on things I should try and possibly add
Disclaimer: this is not a defacto best of list. This list is specifically what I like, and In the unlikely event I find myself on death row, this is what I want my last meal.
Here’s how it should be:
One cup of coffee in the morning, with my wife: If she hasn’t left me by the time I’m on death row, lol, we do this every morning, and it’s my most favorite thing. We run the kids out of the room, and we just enjoy our cup. On Saturday’s, we meal plan. So it’s a nice slice of quiet and catching up before our five kids take over.
Olive Gardens endless salad bowl, minus the onions/croutons. I am willing to die on this hill. Like, their salad dressing is perfect. Actually, just waterboard me at the end of this meal with their salad dressing.
Fazoli’s – I have never had a more perfect breadstick.
Olive Garden (salad and breadsticks are all that is good at Olive Garden, don’t argue with me)
A medium cooked porterhouse from Mortons steakhouse with a perfectly paired glass of red wine.
A steak I cook (Warden do not deny me this) I will need a charcoal grill.
Louisiana Fried Chicken has the best fries – at least 7-10 year old me thinks that.
My homemade fries that I make (warden I will need access to the kitchen)
Chickies & Pete’s crabfries (Philadelphia)
Martingale Wharf (Portsmouth, NH) Garlic fries
Zipps (Arizona) Fries with garlic mayo (Don’t ewwww me, try it. it’s insanely great.
Wing Stop Fries – They are salty/sweet and delicious.
The Varsity (Georgia) Fries – I want to go back to there.
In-N- out fries
Chick-fil-a waffle fries
Only one place makes my list, TC Eggingtons (Mesa, AZ) It is my most favorite place to visit and to eat. Their breakfast, is perfection. I get their Crack O’ Dawn skillet. I’ve been going there 20 years, and I’ve tried most things on the menu, and that is where I settled and hung my hat. If you’re ever in town, and you want to meet up, this is the place I’ll meet you.
The Natasha– my wife makes a killer sandwich. So good I named it after her, this is a must on the list. Or else, there will be hell to pay.
Zipps Monaco Focaccia with garlic mayo – listen. This is fantastic. The only thing I eat when I frequent this place. Sure, they forget to put the mayo in 3/4ths of the time, but at least they give you a cup to dip both your fries and sandwich in.
My wife’s lasagna – making her second appearance on here.
The. Best. Burrito.
Guys, I shit you not. This place in Portsmouth, NH serves legit the best carne asada burrito I’ve ever had. Now I can see a lot of you are going to shake your head, and say no, and argue, so I’m going to stop you right there. I, like Puff Daddy have been around the world I-I-I and I have tried a lot of burritos, and this, this one right here within these four walls, is the best.
Agave Mexican Bistro
The night I proposed, we went here. We had our rehearsal dinner here. We go there on our anniversary every year. I have not found a burrito as delicious as that. There is no close second. This is the best. I will start a god damn prison riot if this is left off the list.
Steak/chicken bowl from Chipotle with black beans, white cilantro lime rice, salsa, corn salsa, sour cream. Plus, their chips. Like 4 bags of their chips.
Alaskan Fried Halibut
Salmon from The Alaska Salmon Bake
Fried Coconut Shrimp
Beer battered Cod from Claim Jumpers
Alaskan King Crab boiled to perfection
Maine Lobster fresh from the ocean.
Joes Crab Shack – Crab feast in a pot.
Cris’s Margaritas – My father in law Cris, makes the best margarita. I want two pitchers of this.
Hi-C Orange – shut up. I know you guys want to make fun of me, but let me tell you, this is a delicious drink. Do I sound like a child about that? Yes. Do I love them in a cup or a juicebox? Also yes.
Strawberry Lemonade from Red Robin
I had this back in 2012, and fell in love with it.
Johns of Bleecker Street – A boom pie with pepperoni and bacon.
Well, I’ve never met a dessert I didn’t like. One that made me almost go into a sugar coma this year (2018) but none I didn’t like. So, I would like a slice of:
My mom’s sweet potato pie– They better figure out a way to bring her back for this one.
All the deserts from Beach Pea Bakery in Kittery, ME
Pumpkin Cheesecake – I make a mean one.
Butter Cake from Arrowhead Grill – They gave us a free one since it was our first time there. Me, after trying it:
A straight up, Oh lord please take me now, moment.
Double Fudge Brownie
German Chocolate Cake Brownies
A Gigantic Bag of Butterfingers
(2) 5lb bag of Haribo Gummi Bears – I would straight up OD on these bitches.
A Bucket of Popcorn from AMC Theaters, perfectly butter/salted.
My homemade dessert fries.
Ben and Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream
Is this list complete? No.
Did I possibly forget something on here? Yes.
Am I up to adding things to here? Also, yes.
I hopefully still have a lot of time in life, but these are things that, if I ever find myself on death row, this is what, line-by-line, I would like my last meal to be. I love food, and these things on this list have brought me joy. Unfiltered, pure joy.
One last thing, check out my friend Jordan’s blog: My Newfound Superpower is her latest post.
As usual, thanks for reading!
My oldest Grudge because I’m pe-tty.
Monday – Death Becomes Him